It’s practically the weekend. I can already see Kat’s mascara running down her face as she Facetimes me sobbing from a Brooklyn drunk tank.
Speaking of children, as you know, I hate them. Small, gross, touchy, sticky, smelly and stupid. And from what I’ve heard, constantly in need of food, water and shelter. They’re like pets, but with tuition. Plus, they take up all the booster seats whenever I go to a restaurant.
So we’ve established children are dumb, but should we be making them dumber?
That seems, well, really dumb and The New York Times agrees in a piece that now finally trashes extended school shutdowns. When COVID erupted, schools in every state shut down quicker than Disneyland after a death on the teacups. It happens. You don’t remember it.
Remote instruction took over, but then districts started making their own choices about opening up. Some resumed in-person. Others stay closed. Meanwhile, I completely shut down my wrestling class I ran in the attic.
But these differences, as the Times notes, allows us to compare remote learning versus in-person teaching. And the results are in. Like CNN +, remote learning **** the bed.
According to research I had my assistant read out loud while I was getting a pedicure. Students who attended in-person school for nearly all of 2020 and 2021 lost 20% of the typical school year’s math learning. Lucky for them, that number means nothing to them anymore. Some of the losses stemmed from remote learning, but others from families coping with illness and other stuff.
But students who stayed home most of that time fared way worse, losing roughly 50% of math learning during that two-year window — roughly 50%. And if my high school algebra holds up, it’s at least a third.
So now the experts agree in-person good, remote setting, bad. Or maybe the so-called experts realize that remote learning made it harder to corrupt your child with their politics. If Mommy and Daddy were checking in on the lessons, maybe these numbers are meant to get your kids back in school where they could be freely indoctrinated. Ever think of that? I just did. And it really hurt my head.
Besides, it’s not the first-time schools have made bad staffing choices.
STAFFER 1: Well, thanks for coming in, Deborah. So, tell me, why would you be the perfect choice to teach in our school district?
STAFFER 2: Well, as a polyamorous, non-binary person of privilege, I understand that no childhood is complete without understanding how racist you really are. I, I love teaching art. I have four master’s degrees to prove it. The kids could help me design the matching neck tattoos that I want to get with all five of my partners. They’re sexual partners. We have sex. Get over it.
STAFFER 1: Well, I’m sold. Welcome to Che Guevara elementary.
Sadly, school closures really hammered low-income students. Black and Latino students fell far behind, creating a gap in educational inequality that already existed and now might last for years. It’s a gap that administrators can’t blame on racism, although, you know they’ll try.
We may not know the consequences of this for years when the jerks responsible have comfortably retired on their massive pensions. And hopefully by then I will have left the country with Clive Owen to create that apple farm we’ve been talking about. I want to call it, “how do you like them apples?” He keeps calling the cops. Clive, don’t.
So, who does the Times blame? Now, this is amazing. Are you sitting down? Of course you are. Who watches TV standing up in their home? Well, they show that schools with lots of poor students who are more likely to go remote, tended to be run by Democrats, who more likely to have unionized teachers whose unions lobbied for remote schooling. Must have killed the Times to admit this. Their autocorrect kept changing teacher’s union to sexist white men just out of habit.
But we knew this every time we said it, however, they crapped on us like they were Amber Heard at the Macy’s linens department. It’s obvious low-income students do worse on remote because their home may not be as conducive to actual learning as richer families. It’s hard for a 14-year-old to do her homework while she’s cooking eggs for her younger siblings because mom already left for work.
So, the vulnerable got screwed once again by the people who claim to be their saviors. This is something we were screaming about, but we’re Fox News. If we say it’s bad, the Dems have to say it’s good. We could say testosterone therapy is harmful. And next week the cast of “The View” would all have a handlebar mustache. Not that I would notice.
A sign taped to the front door of Pulaski International School of Chicago reads, School Closed after Chicago Public Schools, the nation’s third-largest school district, said it would cancel classes since the teachers’ union voted in favor of a return to remote learning, in Chicago, Jan. 5, 2022. REUTERS/Jim Vondruska
So, was this avoidable? Well, school administrators knew extended school closures were harmful a year and a half before they acted. They gave in to teachers who didn’t want to go to work unless the environment was 100% guaranteed COVID free.
We also knew that COVID spread wasn’t worse in places that reopened versus places that remained closed. Yet politicians bowed to the unions. As The Times notes, quote, “Officials said they were doing so to protect children and especially the most vulnerable children. The effect, however, was often the opposite”.
So, are you surprised? I’m not. I guess the silver lining is that we learned something from the pandemic that we can use next time one hits, which Dr. Fauci predicts will be sometime between now and Tuesday and worse, our kids will be too dumb to remember what to do.
Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of FOX News Channel’s (FNC) “Gutfeld!” (weekdays 11PM/ET) and co-host of “The Five” (weekdays 5PM/ET). He joined the network in 2007 as a contributor. He is the author of several books. His latest is “The Plus: Self-Help for People Who Hate Self-Help.” Click here for more information on Greg Gutfeld.